Here Today; Gone Tomorrow
Why Motherhood Cannot Wait
Why Motherhood Cannot Wait
By Eunice Young
I never liked kids before I was pregnant. I used to find them annoying. However, I felt I ought to give birth because I believed it was a wife’s duty to give her husband a complete family; it was a daughter’s duty to continue the family tree; and it was a woman’s sacred duty to give birth. However, I never thought of the duties that came with being a mum. Once I decided to get pregnant, instead of being only a wife, a daughter, and a woman, I became a mum.
Since I had always been living a life without babies and kids before I was pregnant, and I was never really interested in being around children, taking care of them was an absolute challenge to me. Therefore, as a mum-to-be, I thought the best way to learn about how to be a mum was from parenting books. I read a lot of those “bibles”, and I tried to understand, and listen to expert advice. 99% of the experts suggested we should not let our babies control our life. On the contrary, we had to “train” our little ones to accommodate our daily routine, then our life would not be manipulated by them. Following the experts’ instructions, I put Trystin in his crib in his own room right after we came back from the hospital. He started to cry once I put him down, but I tried not to answer it. I let him wail until he was so exhausted he fell asleep by himself. I also let my maid look after him and put him to bed. I continued to force myself to follow the “parenting bible” to treat my son like a stranger or even an enemy for the first few days. I followed this regime blindly until the middle of one night, my maid brought Trystin to my room. He was crying and needed to be fed. I breastfed him as usual, and I tried to pass him back to my maid once he had finished. However, I felt a tremendous pang in my heart when I looked down at him, asleep in my arms. What kind of mother was I to pass so contented and so innocent a child to a complete stranger? How could I possibly let him sleep by himself in a cold room, when all he was asking me for was the warmth and protection of my love? Who was I to deny him that?
Therefore, from that night on, I did not follow expert advice anymore. I followed my instincts and put my children at the center of my life. I believe we should give up our career and be a full-time mum to look after our children during their formative years, till the age of around seven. There are three reasons to support my argument.
The first and foremost reason is the responsibility that comes with being a mum. Many mums like me grew up under the belief that we have to be grateful because our mother made the ultimate sacrifice of bringing us into this world. However, after I became a mum myself, I realised this was not even a half-truth. I could not pass on this illusion like some old family heirloom. The 9 months of pregnancy and the act of giving birth is NOT a sacrifice a mum made for her baby. It has always been a “selfish” decision; the baby never asked to be born. For whatever reason, the mother decided to give it life. This is a decision with life-long consequences, and her job is not completed upon giving birth. Rather, the responsibility begins with the baby’s first cry, and does not end until she has raised the kind of person she can be proud of – a task she may not even complete in her own lifetime.
In South-east Asia, especially Hong Kong, however, many mums ask their maids to do the job for them. The maids, on the potentially dangerous assumption that they are highly experienced and responsible, will take care of the children. They will make sure the children are fed when they are hungry; bathed when they are dirty; entertained (often put in front of the television) when they are bored and put to bed when they are tired. However, will the maids take care of the children in the way you exactly want? Indeed can you trust them to treat your children perfectly while you are not around? Even if you are fortunate enough to find someone who loves your children as much as you do, and treats your children as well as you, would you want this person to replace you, and be the most important person in your children’s hearts? How would you feel if your children want her more than you? How would you feel if your children call her “Mum”? By relying on your maids, or other people as the prime caretakers of your children, you are not only taking away your own children from yourself, but also taking away their mum, their most significant person. They are losing the most precious, unconditional love in the world, the love and care of their mother. Your children, during their infant years, are helpless and vulnerable. They need and want their mother, not the maid, to be around all the time. Indeed when they are feeling unwell, unsure or frightened, the only person they look for is their mum. It is the baby’s basic instinct to seek its mother’s comfort, care and love. It is an irreplaceable relationship; the closest blood tie. The bonding and trust begun in the womb should continue to grow long after birth.
Your little infant just arrived in this world. It sees new things, and it encounters new experience every day. It is like a piece of pure white paper. What and how to write on this piece of paper is in the hands of the mother. The first seven years are the most crucial. These are the years when the child grows and learns at an incredible rate. These are the years when it forms its personality; when it learns and builds its values; and when it grows through experience to become the person you want it, and lead it to become. The mum should be there to share all its first experiences: its first smile; its first word; its first step; its first “I love you”. The mum should be there to share its joy and happiness; to comfort and support it through difficult times; to show it the right values; to teach it righteousness, and above all, to be its role-model. It is the mum, not the maid, not the school, and not any other caretakers, who should show her child the world, to set an example for her child, and lead it along brighter paths. Therefore, besides taking care of the child, a mum also has the responsibility to raise her child with appropriate values and beliefs. There is an old Chinese saying 「 養不教；父之過」” If the child is only being raised, but not taught properly; it is the fault of the parents.”
To some, responsibility has a negative association that may not be very attractive. However, believe it or not, fulfilling her responsibility to look after her own children can be the greatest source of a mum’s pride and pleasure. Every smile, every laugh, and every step forward that the little one makes touches the bottom of the mother’s heart. These are the moments when she realises all her effort, all her time, and all her frustration are worthwhile.
Some mums may agree that it is their responsibility to take care of and raise their children. However they may think they simply cannot afford to give up their job. They believe that the more money they make the more of their children’s needs they can satisfy, and eventually the happier the children they raise. But is money the most important ingredient for a child’s happiness in their formative years? And, how much money is enough to raise a happy child? Not as much as we think.
For a child under seven, material satisfaction is far less important in its life. It has not learnt the concept of a material world, so it does not know how to appreciate it like we do. Material goods are immaterial to a child’s happiness. What is more if not most important to it is not how much money the mum can bring home, it is the time and love the mum can give it. It is parental love and security that the child is seeking. This unconditional love is what the child cares for, and the more the child feels loved the happier the child will be. The time a mum spends away from home on her work would be better spent with her child, for the child derives no benefit from an absent mother. The child will not be very happy if it can only see its mum at nighttime, or during weekends. The child needs its mother’s attention and love, and the more the better. It is the love that satisfies the child, not the money.
Indeed, indulging the child with material goods will only make it take things for granted, and will also hinder its development. A child will not appreciate a new toy when it already has them in abundance, and the more it possesses the less its satisfaction will be. Instead of stuff that just gathers dust, a child needs stimulation to foster its development. Fun and play with mum will definitely stimulate its imagination and help hone its ability to interact with others. A stroll along the beach, collecting shells or pebbles and building sandcastles will stimulate its creativity. But while sitting in front of a 48” LCD television alone when its mother is out working may stimulate its eyes and ears, it does not stimulate its brain as much as mum can. Nor is it stimulating the child’s body. Starving it of company and exercise, it is tantamount to training the kind of passive couch-potato no parents can be proud of.
Raising a successful child, a child who is happy, well adjusted, and morally grounded, is to raise an attached child, a child who feels loved and attached all the time; and a child who has a close and trusting relationship with its parents. How you care for your child in the first years of its life is crucial to developing trusting and sensitive ways of thinking. In later years, these good emotional habits influence the development of more specific skills for success: communication, compassion, and self-esteem. A child who feels loved and attached all the time during its childhood brings the compassion and trust it learnt in its first relationship into later relationships. This relationship shows it how to trust itself, and this self-confidence sees it through significant adversity. The child carries its high self-esteem through the rest of its life. It becomes part of its well-being and makes it resilient. A loved child not only perceives itself as valuable, but also, with its kindness, grows up to add value to the lives of others. Therefore, it is not money we need to raise a happy and successful child, so much as time and love. Love cannot be calculated by monetary value, and it definitely cannot be traded, or substituted, no matter how much money you have. The most valuable things in a child’s life are free.
A full-time mum can derive great satisfaction from always being with her child. She is simultaneously experiencing both motherhood and a second childhood herself. She is learning with her child every day, and she is seeing things through its eyes. She is exposed to a whole new world of imagination and fantasy; a world of purity and innocence; a world of love and trust. Having the chance to share all her child’s formative experience, the mum is able to enjoy all the precious moments in the child’s world. The mum is reborn, and she is rejuvenated by the growth of her child.
Some mums cannot sacrifice their career for their children not because of financial constraints, but because of a need for self-recognition and satisfaction, which they believe can only be attained from career achievement. They believe women should not be made to stay at home and be a full-time housewife. They do not like the traditional stereotype of women chained to the kitchen sink, while men go out and work to support the family. They consider being a full-time mum an inferior role for a woman, and staying at home to look after the kids a waste of their talents – far too much of a sacrifice for them to give up their rewarding career for the drudgery of caring for little ones. They strongly believe women should have their own career in order to prove themselves as capable as men. Their self-recognition is obtained and measured by career success. They are not convinced that taking care of their own children is their responsibility, let alone the best way for a mum to show how capable and how great a woman she can be.
Women with extraordinary achievement in their career are highly recognized in our society. However, when a woman puts her career before her young children, society may have a second opinion of her overall achievement. When a mum is not fulfilling her primary obligation, and neglecting the interests of her own babies, how will people be convinced she has the right values to always give appropriate advice and make wise decisions in her work? When a mum is irresponsible with her own children, will people still see her as a responsible and esteemed professional to work with? Would society still hold her success in esteem, and will she get the self-recognition that she has been seeking? Not in my eyes. Nevertheless, a woman who is willing to give up her career when her children are young is worthy of the utmost respect. A woman takes both self-confidence and perseverance to fully devote herself to her children. This woman does not need to search for self-recognition; she does not need to compete with men to establish her self-worth; she has full confidence in herself, and she has the priorities and values as a great woman. After all, no one has made her stay at home; she has chosen to do so.
Moreover, in giving all her time and effort to raise a successful child, her child’s achievement is her achievement. A career woman with a baby at home will have difficulty in devoting herself fully to her job. No matter how professional a career woman is, she is still a mother, and she still wants to take time out for her child. Therefore, there are always moments she is in denial and feels guilty that she cannot experience and share all its happiness. It is very difficult for her to go full speed in her career, without any second thoughts or hesitation. She always has to balance her time and devotion between her career and motherhood, often to the detriment of both. With a baby waiting at home, the career mum will never get the utmost satisfaction from her job, without feeling guilty for neglecting her duties as a mum. Having a career, either working for someone else or having your own business, you will have to deal with different people and face different challenges every day. You will have to spend time dealing with things that do not contribute directly to the success of your career. On the other hand, a full-time mum will have no such worries. She spends every minute with her baby, and her baby gets every minute she spends with it. Every minute counts towards the most meaningful thing for her. Taking care of your own baby is far more rewarding than having a career elsewhere, where, in a sense, you are raising other people’s babies.
Furthermore, a full-time mum is given a valuable chance for self–development. A new mum experiences a whole new area of life, parenting. She has to learn how to communicate with the child, how to take care of it, and how to teach it all the values and knowledge it needs to know. She has to provide the means for her child to learn and grow and be prepared to learn and grow with it, brushing up rusty knowledge and learning things that were never taught in her day. It is a precious opportunity to pick up interests she always wanted to pursue, but did not have time or the chance to. This is an ideal time for us to learn again, with our children. When we are working, few of us can afford to step out of the office, and do something that we truly want to do. In this ever-changing world, it is crucial for us to keep pace with new knowledge, not so much to close the generation gap, but to not fall victim to a knowledge gap.
Children grow up fast. In retrospect, the first seven years can pass at the speed of a hesitation. If you don’t value the chance to spend every moment with your children now, you may regret it for the rest of your life. Their first few years are the only time you really have to form a strong bond with them and enjoy your motherhood. Don’t think you have a lifetime to spend with your children. You don’t. After they grow up, they will have their own social circle, and will not need their mum to be around anymore. And don’t think of this as a lifetime’s sacrifice. It’s not. You can always pursue your career, make more money or go out and have high tea with your friends every day when they get older and need you less. All you are giving up is a few of your own years to love, cherish, and shape the life that you created and are responsible for! Your children are growing every day, with or without you, and you are the one who has to keep up with them. If you keep thinking you will make time for them tomorrow, they will be gone, taking everything they needed from you with them, whether you gave it to them or not.
I never liked kids before I was pregnant. I used to find them annoying. However, I felt I ought to give birth because I believed it was a wife’s duty to give her husband a complete family; it was a daughter’s duty to continue the family tree; and it was a woman’s sacred duty to give birth. However, I never thought of the duties that came with being a mum. Once I decided to get pregnant, instead of being only a wife, a daughter, and a woman, I became a mum.
Since I had always been living a life without babies and kids before I was pregnant, and I was never really interested in being around children, taking care of them was an absolute challenge to me. Therefore, as a mum-to-be, I thought the best way to learn about how to be a mum was from parenting books. I read a lot of those “bibles”, and I tried to understand, and listen to expert advice. 99% of the experts suggested we should not let our babies control our life. On the contrary, we had to “train” our little ones to accommodate our daily routine, then our life would not be manipulated by them. Following the experts’ instructions, I put Trystin in his crib in his own room right after we came back from the hospital. He started to cry once I put him down, but I tried not to answer it. I let him wail until he was so exhausted he fell asleep by himself. I also let my maid look after him and put him to bed. I continued to force myself to follow the “parenting bible” to treat my son like a stranger or even an enemy for the first few days. I followed this regime blindly until the middle of one night, my maid brought Trystin to my room. He was crying and needed to be fed. I breastfed him as usual, and I tried to pass him back to my maid once he had finished. However, I felt a tremendous pang in my heart when I looked down at him, asleep in my arms. What kind of mother was I to pass so contented and so innocent a child to a complete stranger? How could I possibly let him sleep by himself in a cold room, when all he was asking me for was the warmth and protection of my love? Who was I to deny him that?
Therefore, from that night on, I did not follow expert advice anymore. I followed my instincts and put my children at the center of my life. I believe we should give up our career and be a full-time mum to look after our children during their formative years, till the age of around seven. There are three reasons to support my argument.
The first and foremost reason is the responsibility that comes with being a mum. Many mums like me grew up under the belief that we have to be grateful because our mother made the ultimate sacrifice of bringing us into this world. However, after I became a mum myself, I realised this was not even a half-truth. I could not pass on this illusion like some old family heirloom. The 9 months of pregnancy and the act of giving birth is NOT a sacrifice a mum made for her baby. It has always been a “selfish” decision; the baby never asked to be born. For whatever reason, the mother decided to give it life. This is a decision with life-long consequences, and her job is not completed upon giving birth. Rather, the responsibility begins with the baby’s first cry, and does not end until she has raised the kind of person she can be proud of – a task she may not even complete in her own lifetime.
In South-east Asia, especially Hong Kong, however, many mums ask their maids to do the job for them. The maids, on the potentially dangerous assumption that they are highly experienced and responsible, will take care of the children. They will make sure the children are fed when they are hungry; bathed when they are dirty; entertained (often put in front of the television) when they are bored and put to bed when they are tired. However, will the maids take care of the children in the way you exactly want? Indeed can you trust them to treat your children perfectly while you are not around? Even if you are fortunate enough to find someone who loves your children as much as you do, and treats your children as well as you, would you want this person to replace you, and be the most important person in your children’s hearts? How would you feel if your children want her more than you? How would you feel if your children call her “Mum”? By relying on your maids, or other people as the prime caretakers of your children, you are not only taking away your own children from yourself, but also taking away their mum, their most significant person. They are losing the most precious, unconditional love in the world, the love and care of their mother. Your children, during their infant years, are helpless and vulnerable. They need and want their mother, not the maid, to be around all the time. Indeed when they are feeling unwell, unsure or frightened, the only person they look for is their mum. It is the baby’s basic instinct to seek its mother’s comfort, care and love. It is an irreplaceable relationship; the closest blood tie. The bonding and trust begun in the womb should continue to grow long after birth.
Your little infant just arrived in this world. It sees new things, and it encounters new experience every day. It is like a piece of pure white paper. What and how to write on this piece of paper is in the hands of the mother. The first seven years are the most crucial. These are the years when the child grows and learns at an incredible rate. These are the years when it forms its personality; when it learns and builds its values; and when it grows through experience to become the person you want it, and lead it to become. The mum should be there to share all its first experiences: its first smile; its first word; its first step; its first “I love you”. The mum should be there to share its joy and happiness; to comfort and support it through difficult times; to show it the right values; to teach it righteousness, and above all, to be its role-model. It is the mum, not the maid, not the school, and not any other caretakers, who should show her child the world, to set an example for her child, and lead it along brighter paths. Therefore, besides taking care of the child, a mum also has the responsibility to raise her child with appropriate values and beliefs. There is an old Chinese saying 「 養不教；父之過」” If the child is only being raised, but not taught properly; it is the fault of the parents.”
To some, responsibility has a negative association that may not be very attractive. However, believe it or not, fulfilling her responsibility to look after her own children can be the greatest source of a mum’s pride and pleasure. Every smile, every laugh, and every step forward that the little one makes touches the bottom of the mother’s heart. These are the moments when she realises all her effort, all her time, and all her frustration are worthwhile.
Some mums may agree that it is their responsibility to take care of and raise their children. However they may think they simply cannot afford to give up their job. They believe that the more money they make the more of their children’s needs they can satisfy, and eventually the happier the children they raise. But is money the most important ingredient for a child’s happiness in their formative years? And, how much money is enough to raise a happy child? Not as much as we think.
For a child under seven, material satisfaction is far less important in its life. It has not learnt the concept of a material world, so it does not know how to appreciate it like we do. Material goods are immaterial to a child’s happiness. What is more if not most important to it is not how much money the mum can bring home, it is the time and love the mum can give it. It is parental love and security that the child is seeking. This unconditional love is what the child cares for, and the more the child feels loved the happier the child will be. The time a mum spends away from home on her work would be better spent with her child, for the child derives no benefit from an absent mother. The child will not be very happy if it can only see its mum at nighttime, or during weekends. The child needs its mother’s attention and love, and the more the better. It is the love that satisfies the child, not the money.
Indeed, indulging the child with material goods will only make it take things for granted, and will also hinder its development. A child will not appreciate a new toy when it already has them in abundance, and the more it possesses the less its satisfaction will be. Instead of stuff that just gathers dust, a child needs stimulation to foster its development. Fun and play with mum will definitely stimulate its imagination and help hone its ability to interact with others. A stroll along the beach, collecting shells or pebbles and building sandcastles will stimulate its creativity. But while sitting in front of a 48” LCD television alone when its mother is out working may stimulate its eyes and ears, it does not stimulate its brain as much as mum can. Nor is it stimulating the child’s body. Starving it of company and exercise, it is tantamount to training the kind of passive couch-potato no parents can be proud of.
Raising a successful child, a child who is happy, well adjusted, and morally grounded, is to raise an attached child, a child who feels loved and attached all the time; and a child who has a close and trusting relationship with its parents. How you care for your child in the first years of its life is crucial to developing trusting and sensitive ways of thinking. In later years, these good emotional habits influence the development of more specific skills for success: communication, compassion, and self-esteem. A child who feels loved and attached all the time during its childhood brings the compassion and trust it learnt in its first relationship into later relationships. This relationship shows it how to trust itself, and this self-confidence sees it through significant adversity. The child carries its high self-esteem through the rest of its life. It becomes part of its well-being and makes it resilient. A loved child not only perceives itself as valuable, but also, with its kindness, grows up to add value to the lives of others. Therefore, it is not money we need to raise a happy and successful child, so much as time and love. Love cannot be calculated by monetary value, and it definitely cannot be traded, or substituted, no matter how much money you have. The most valuable things in a child’s life are free.
A full-time mum can derive great satisfaction from always being with her child. She is simultaneously experiencing both motherhood and a second childhood herself. She is learning with her child every day, and she is seeing things through its eyes. She is exposed to a whole new world of imagination and fantasy; a world of purity and innocence; a world of love and trust. Having the chance to share all her child’s formative experience, the mum is able to enjoy all the precious moments in the child’s world. The mum is reborn, and she is rejuvenated by the growth of her child.
Some mums cannot sacrifice their career for their children not because of financial constraints, but because of a need for self-recognition and satisfaction, which they believe can only be attained from career achievement. They believe women should not be made to stay at home and be a full-time housewife. They do not like the traditional stereotype of women chained to the kitchen sink, while men go out and work to support the family. They consider being a full-time mum an inferior role for a woman, and staying at home to look after the kids a waste of their talents – far too much of a sacrifice for them to give up their rewarding career for the drudgery of caring for little ones. They strongly believe women should have their own career in order to prove themselves as capable as men. Their self-recognition is obtained and measured by career success. They are not convinced that taking care of their own children is their responsibility, let alone the best way for a mum to show how capable and how great a woman she can be.
Women with extraordinary achievement in their career are highly recognized in our society. However, when a woman puts her career before her young children, society may have a second opinion of her overall achievement. When a mum is not fulfilling her primary obligation, and neglecting the interests of her own babies, how will people be convinced she has the right values to always give appropriate advice and make wise decisions in her work? When a mum is irresponsible with her own children, will people still see her as a responsible and esteemed professional to work with? Would society still hold her success in esteem, and will she get the self-recognition that she has been seeking? Not in my eyes. Nevertheless, a woman who is willing to give up her career when her children are young is worthy of the utmost respect. A woman takes both self-confidence and perseverance to fully devote herself to her children. This woman does not need to search for self-recognition; she does not need to compete with men to establish her self-worth; she has full confidence in herself, and she has the priorities and values as a great woman. After all, no one has made her stay at home; she has chosen to do so.
Moreover, in giving all her time and effort to raise a successful child, her child’s achievement is her achievement. A career woman with a baby at home will have difficulty in devoting herself fully to her job. No matter how professional a career woman is, she is still a mother, and she still wants to take time out for her child. Therefore, there are always moments she is in denial and feels guilty that she cannot experience and share all its happiness. It is very difficult for her to go full speed in her career, without any second thoughts or hesitation. She always has to balance her time and devotion between her career and motherhood, often to the detriment of both. With a baby waiting at home, the career mum will never get the utmost satisfaction from her job, without feeling guilty for neglecting her duties as a mum. Having a career, either working for someone else or having your own business, you will have to deal with different people and face different challenges every day. You will have to spend time dealing with things that do not contribute directly to the success of your career. On the other hand, a full-time mum will have no such worries. She spends every minute with her baby, and her baby gets every minute she spends with it. Every minute counts towards the most meaningful thing for her. Taking care of your own baby is far more rewarding than having a career elsewhere, where, in a sense, you are raising other people’s babies.
Furthermore, a full-time mum is given a valuable chance for self–development. A new mum experiences a whole new area of life, parenting. She has to learn how to communicate with the child, how to take care of it, and how to teach it all the values and knowledge it needs to know. She has to provide the means for her child to learn and grow and be prepared to learn and grow with it, brushing up rusty knowledge and learning things that were never taught in her day. It is a precious opportunity to pick up interests she always wanted to pursue, but did not have time or the chance to. This is an ideal time for us to learn again, with our children. When we are working, few of us can afford to step out of the office, and do something that we truly want to do. In this ever-changing world, it is crucial for us to keep pace with new knowledge, not so much to close the generation gap, but to not fall victim to a knowledge gap.
Children grow up fast. In retrospect, the first seven years can pass at the speed of a hesitation. If you don’t value the chance to spend every moment with your children now, you may regret it for the rest of your life. Their first few years are the only time you really have to form a strong bond with them and enjoy your motherhood. Don’t think you have a lifetime to spend with your children. You don’t. After they grow up, they will have their own social circle, and will not need their mum to be around anymore. And don’t think of this as a lifetime’s sacrifice. It’s not. You can always pursue your career, make more money or go out and have high tea with your friends every day when they get older and need you less. All you are giving up is a few of your own years to love, cherish, and shape the life that you created and are responsible for! Your children are growing every day, with or without you, and you are the one who has to keep up with them. If you keep thinking you will make time for them tomorrow, they will be gone, taking everything they needed from you with them, whether you gave it to them or not.
